Tag Archives: everybody poops

Everybody Poops, part 2

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OK, don’t go there…yes I could have said Everybody poops, #2, but we’re all too mature, adult, ladylike and/or gentlemanly to go there, correct?  

As promised, this is a continuation from last weeks blog.  People seemed to have enjoyed my ramblings, and/or they just can’t believe some of the things that come out of my mouth.  I always assume everybody just thinks the same way I do, they just don’t have the nerve to say it aloud.  Is that true?  

OK, Let’s return to the boudoir.  As my daughter kindly put it in one of the comments, she compared my “bladder to the size of a lentil”.  Of course that’s coming from a woman with a beautiful shiny practically still-has-the-new-car-smell- 21 year old bladder.  My bladder may be petite but still functions well!  I consider going tinkle often just helps me with adding steps to my Fitbit!  Hey-I try to drink 8 glasses of water (2 cups of coffee and 2 glasses of wine count for 4 right?). 

Of course, sometimes I just don’t feel like going to the bathroom.  It’s just so BORING!  I mean, how many times in our lifetime have we gone to the bathroom!!  If you just go 4/day (HA!) that’s 1,460/year.  If you’re 50 years old, that’s 73,000!!!!  Are you kidding me!!!! ?????  And that’s being conservative.  You know how they say sitting is the new smoking?  Maybe going to the bathroom is part of this!  Hey-they started using stability balls images top-rated-toilets-1and treadmills at desks.  Maybe we need something like this for toilets now.  Stability/toilets, (Balancing is good for the core)

Toiletcycles (really good for getting the bowels moving)!c9add354-0e21-4be2-aa26-ab3818e98121_1.07705eb579ef8ddbb936573a631989a8 top-rated-toilets-1

 Who’s with me?  It will be great for the core and the quads.  I can see the ad–Never waste time on the toilet again!!

Now here’s a warning for anyone that has kitties in their home. I was sitting down in the bathroom one morning when my kitty walked in.  Have you ever noticed the animals always want to come and visit when you’re in the bathroom?  And even if the animals may only be four inches wide, they open the door about 12 inches?  And as you know from last week’s blog, I like my privacy, so opening the door all the way doesn’t thrill me.  Anyway, the cat jumps up onto the counter-naturally, I know that’s what cats do.  But what she did next—I never realized.  I’m sitting on the toilet (I so wish there was another word, I really don’t want you picturing me on the toilet, but you need to know why I can’t respond to what’s coming next).  My cat goes over to my toothbrush and starts sucking on the bristles!  I’m sitting there aghast.  And what could I do?  I could yell, but if you have cats you know that doesn’t do much.  Plus, how many times has she done that before?  I’m just sitting there, speechless and helpless.  Guess what I did that afternoon?  Shopping for a covered toothbrush holderdownload!!

I actually do have more to say on the subject but I think you’ve heard enough.  Next week I promise to blog about the different and interesting people that I’ve met.  But I’ll always try and make you smile and laugh along the way.

Remember,

Itlbok, Really

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Everybody Poops, I don’t THINK so!

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Ok, so in this blog, you’re not going to learn about relationships, or about meeting new people, or anything too inspirational.

 What you will learn is way more than than you need to learn about me!  But I bet you will laugh.

First thing that you should know, that most of my friends already know, I do not poop.  Not now nor have I ever pooped.  I barely admit to ever going to the bathroom.  If I do, it’s only to fix my make-up, adjust my panties (:-)) or fluff my hair.  On the rarest of occasions do I even tinkle. You see, I am a lady and a lady is above these things .7281909-Beautiful-lady-taking-a-bath-with-rose-petals-Stock-Photo-bath-woman  Yes that’s me in the boudoir with rose petals.  And yes, I admit I am a miracle of science.  Of course, some of my friends (husband included) would like to say that it must mean if I don’t poop, I must be full of sh*#.

So now that you know where I’m coming from, these two stories are even more humorous.

I was pregnant with my first child.  My husband and I went to the birthing classes.  I remember raising my hand asking the question, “is it true that some women actually go to the bathroom while giving birth?”  I must have read this in my “What to Expect when you’re Expecting” book.  And I was totally astonished.  Please oh please tell me this can’t be true.

Now you have to understand, my husband and I do not go to the bathroom in front of each other.  To this day, after 25 years of marriage, we do not go to the bathroom in front of each other!  I mean WHY!?!  I once saw myself sitting on the toilet–a very  ill placed mirror  opposite me. images I jumped!  I mean I jumped!!! Why on earth would anyone want to see that!!

OK, back to the birthing lesson.  Yes, it’s true.  It’s very natural, while you’re pushing the baby out, blah blah blah.  I’m like, not me, THAT’s for sure!! Well,  you know where this story is heading.  Of course, the ONE time in my life that I pooped (yes, only once) and it’s probably documented in the doctors report somewhere!  Obviously I didn’t care.  I didn’t care if the whole world saw.  My legs were spread for whomever wanted to help take this baby out of me. But, another story, another day.

Years later, at my gastroenterologist, I had a very young handsome doctor asking me questions.  About my poop of all things.  I mean, what did I expect, I’m at the gastroenterologist.  BUT, Really?  I can’t have an old man for this?  Nope.  Young and cute.  Showing me photos of different shapes etc.  Oh for goodness sakes.  Are you feeling my pain?

Now this has nothing to do with my lack of pooping but I think it’s funny.  He looks at my hands and gets concerned.  He says, “have you been eating lots of carrots?”  I shake my head no.  He says, “your hands are very orange.”spraying+too+close+to+the+hands+can+cause+them+to+be+orange[1]  And now I have to admit to my young cute doctor that I used a self tanner on my body that morning and didn’t wash my hands well enough. So now this cute intern or whatever he’s called-knows the shape of my non existent poop and that I use self-tanner. ( I might as well talk to him about my period and sexual positions, and by the way, what’s your name again? I’m thinking can I please just leave the office now? ) He grabs a pile of purple latex gloves, walks over and drops them into my lap.  “Here use these next time so your hands won’t get orange”.  Every time I see those purple latex gloves in my medicine cabinet I think about that appointment.  

Would you believe I have a few more stories like these?  Continued next week….

Remember,

Itlbok, Really!

If you like my blogs, please Follow Me.  This means you will get sent my new blogs straight to your email instead of having to remember my site address or going onto Facebook.  Just click the floating “follow” button on the lower right side of the page.