Everybody Poops, part 2

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OK, don’t go there…yes I could have said Everybody poops, #2, but we’re all too mature, adult, ladylike and/or gentlemanly to go there, correct?  

As promised, this is a continuation from last weeks blog.  People seemed to have enjoyed my ramblings, and/or they just can’t believe some of the things that come out of my mouth.  I always assume everybody just thinks the same way I do, they just don’t have the nerve to say it aloud.  Is that true?  

OK, Let’s return to the boudoir.  As my daughter kindly put it in one of the comments, she compared my “bladder to the size of a lentil”.  Of course that’s coming from a woman with a beautiful shiny practically still-has-the-new-car-smell- 21 year old bladder.  My bladder may be petite but still functions well!  I consider going tinkle often just helps me with adding steps to my Fitbit!  Hey-I try to drink 8 glasses of water (2 cups of coffee and 2 glasses of wine count for 4 right?). 

Of course, sometimes I just don’t feel like going to the bathroom.  It’s just so BORING!  I mean, how many times in our lifetime have we gone to the bathroom!!  If you just go 4/day (HA!) that’s 1,460/year.  If you’re 50 years old, that’s 73,000!!!!  Are you kidding me!!!! ?????  And that’s being conservative.  You know how they say sitting is the new smoking?  Maybe going to the bathroom is part of this!  Hey-they started using stability balls images top-rated-toilets-1and treadmills at desks.  Maybe we need something like this for toilets now.  Stability/toilets, (Balancing is good for the core)

Toiletcycles (really good for getting the bowels moving)!c9add354-0e21-4be2-aa26-ab3818e98121_1.07705eb579ef8ddbb936573a631989a8 top-rated-toilets-1

 Who’s with me?  It will be great for the core and the quads.  I can see the ad–Never waste time on the toilet again!!

Now here’s a warning for anyone that has kitties in their home. I was sitting down in the bathroom one morning when my kitty walked in.  Have you ever noticed the animals always want to come and visit when you’re in the bathroom?  And even if the animals may only be four inches wide, they open the door about 12 inches?  And as you know from last week’s blog, I like my privacy, so opening the door all the way doesn’t thrill me.  Anyway, the cat jumps up onto the counter-naturally, I know that’s what cats do.  But what she did next—I never realized.  I’m sitting on the toilet (I so wish there was another word, I really don’t want you picturing me on the toilet, but you need to know why I can’t respond to what’s coming next).  My cat goes over to my toothbrush and starts sucking on the bristles!  I’m sitting there aghast.  And what could I do?  I could yell, but if you have cats you know that doesn’t do much.  Plus, how many times has she done that before?  I’m just sitting there, speechless and helpless.  Guess what I did that afternoon?  Shopping for a covered toothbrush holderdownload!!

I actually do have more to say on the subject but I think you’ve heard enough.  Next week I promise to blog about the different and interesting people that I’ve met.  But I’ll always try and make you smile and laugh along the way.

Remember,

Itlbok, Really

If you like my blogs, please Follow Me.  This means you will get sent my new blogs straight to your email instead of having to remember my site address or going onto Facebook.  Just click the floating “follow” button on the lower right side of the page.

Everybody Poops, I don’t THINK so!

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Ok, so in this blog, you’re not going to learn about relationships, or about meeting new people, or anything too inspirational.

 What you will learn is way more than than you need to learn about me!  But I bet you will laugh.

First thing that you should know, that most of my friends already know, I do not poop.  Not now nor have I ever pooped.  I barely admit to ever going to the bathroom.  If I do, it’s only to fix my make-up, adjust my panties (:-)) or fluff my hair.  On the rarest of occasions do I even tinkle. You see, I am a lady and a lady is above these things .7281909-Beautiful-lady-taking-a-bath-with-rose-petals-Stock-Photo-bath-woman  Yes that’s me in the boudoir with rose petals.  And yes, I admit I am a miracle of science.  Of course, some of my friends (husband included) would like to say that it must mean if I don’t poop, I must be full of sh*#.

So now that you know where I’m coming from, these two stories are even more humorous.

I was pregnant with my first child.  My husband and I went to the birthing classes.  I remember raising my hand asking the question, “is it true that some women actually go to the bathroom while giving birth?”  I must have read this in my “What to Expect when you’re Expecting” book.  And I was totally astonished.  Please oh please tell me this can’t be true.

Now you have to understand, my husband and I do not go to the bathroom in front of each other.  To this day, after 25 years of marriage, we do not go to the bathroom in front of each other!  I mean WHY!?!  I once saw myself sitting on the toilet–a very  ill placed mirror  opposite me. images I jumped!  I mean I jumped!!! Why on earth would anyone want to see that!!

OK, back to the birthing lesson.  Yes, it’s true.  It’s very natural, while you’re pushing the baby out, blah blah blah.  I’m like, not me, THAT’s for sure!! Well,  you know where this story is heading.  Of course, the ONE time in my life that I pooped (yes, only once) and it’s probably documented in the doctors report somewhere!  Obviously I didn’t care.  I didn’t care if the whole world saw.  My legs were spread for whomever wanted to help take this baby out of me. But, another story, another day.

Years later, at my gastroenterologist, I had a very young handsome doctor asking me questions.  About my poop of all things.  I mean, what did I expect, I’m at the gastroenterologist.  BUT, Really?  I can’t have an old man for this?  Nope.  Young and cute.  Showing me photos of different shapes etc.  Oh for goodness sakes.  Are you feeling my pain?

Now this has nothing to do with my lack of pooping but I think it’s funny.  He looks at my hands and gets concerned.  He says, “have you been eating lots of carrots?”  I shake my head no.  He says, “your hands are very orange.”spraying+too+close+to+the+hands+can+cause+them+to+be+orange[1]  And now I have to admit to my young cute doctor that I used a self tanner on my body that morning and didn’t wash my hands well enough. So now this cute intern or whatever he’s called-knows the shape of my non existent poop and that I use self-tanner. ( I might as well talk to him about my period and sexual positions, and by the way, what’s your name again? I’m thinking can I please just leave the office now? ) He grabs a pile of purple latex gloves, walks over and drops them into my lap.  “Here use these next time so your hands won’t get orange”.  Every time I see those purple latex gloves in my medicine cabinet I think about that appointment.  

Would you believe I have a few more stories like these?  Continued next week….

Remember,

Itlbok, Really!

If you like my blogs, please Follow Me.  This means you will get sent my new blogs straight to your email instead of having to remember my site address or going onto Facebook.  Just click the floating “follow” button on the lower right side of the page.

Prison Guards, sweethearts?

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Here is a great example of how you can meet interesting people and enjoy yourself in stressful situations.  

A few years ago, when my dad lived alone, while he was in his late 80’s, he dropped a microwave on his thumb.  Don’t even ask how that happened. If you have older parents, things like this just happen.   I rushed over and took him to the hospital.   

So we’re sitting in this tiny room for a long while.  Apparently it was a very busy evening, and my dads injury wasn’t very serious (I guess compared to the other patients).  Since we had been there for some time, my dad and I stopped chit chatting awhile ago.  The room was so small that I was sitting in the frame of the doorway looking out into the hallway.  Down the hallway, about 35-40 feet away was a prison guard.  Yes a prison guard.  And I’m going to say it.  A big, muscular, intimidating, African american, prison guard. SECURITY GUARD II TEXTURE  (Actually these guys look more like porn stars, it was the best I could find.  If I knew I was doing a blog at the time I would have asked for a photo :-)) Not surprisingly, he was guarding a prisoner behind a curtain. 

Now this is a suburban little hospital.  Not an urban hospital.  I’m not used to seeing prisoners or prison guards.  I don’t even know where the nearest prison is. So this was vastly of interest to me!  Got the visual?  

OK, back to me sitting in the door frame looking out being bored.  Prison guard, standing guard, mighty and tall, but, looking pretty bored.  I make eye contact with him….and I twiddle my thumbs photo-on-2010-08-28-at-12-59 in that culture crossing, non verbal… I AM SO BORED way!  He cracked up!!  We both did.  It was great!  We didn’t say anything after that.  Too much physical distance between us to be able to speak.  

But about 15 minutes later–yes, my dad still hasn’t been attended to-they moved us because they needed my dads room.  Where did they move us?  To the hallway, right in front of the two prisoners they were holding–I kid you not!

Well now I’m right in front of the guard and we start talking.  Isn’t it nice that I already broke the ice with the thumb twiddling?  There were two prisoners and two guards to each prisoner.  One of the prisoners happened to be in x-ray at the moment.  I took a peak behind the curtain and the prisoner he was guarding was handcuffed to the bed.  I didn’t ask why the prisoners were in jail– I thought that would be against prisoner/guard confidentiality.  Is there such a thing?  Feel free to comment on this if anyone knows.  

By the end of my dads visit, I was talking to all four of the guards.  We had a little coffee klatch going on.   I learned that the women’s prisons are much worse than the men’s ( meaning, I guess, that the women are scary and they do not want to work there–that’s the feeling I got from what they said).  The guards were also so sweet to my dad.  The work being done on my dads finger all was done in the hallway so the guards saw everything.  It looked pretty painful.  They talked to my dad and said what a trooper he was etc.  They kept him entertained etc. It was heart warming. 

I also got to ask them how they felt about laymen keeping guns at home.  They are totally for it.  They want all their wives and girlfriends to have guns at home.  They told me police are basically for “follow up after the fact” not for protection at home.  They can’t be.  They can’t get there in time–it’s not possible.  

I’m not adding my personal opinion because I don’t want this to become a political blog.  What I’m so happy about is to hear peoples opinions I never would have heard because of the life I live.  Some people think their side of the story is all there is but there are SO many different points of view.  

So the next time someone tells you, you can’t have a good time in the emergency room, or to stop twiddling your thumbs…. Look at what can happen!

Remember,

Itlbok, Really!

If you like my blogs, please Follow Me.  This means you will get sent my new blogs straight to your email instead of having to remember my site address or going onto Facebook.  Just click the floating “follow” button on the lower right side of the page.

 

 

 

Too soon for Pet Names?

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Hello Itlbokers, ( too soon for pet names?)

The woman who came into B&N yesterday, the stranger who agreed I should start a blog, Remember her?  Her name is Julie by the way.  The woman who lives on the opposite coast of CT and is just visiting her aunt and uncle, (and to help change my life—but really, I feel everyone we meet AND who meets us, changes our life for the better in little ways) came back to talk with us before she returned home.  She is thrilled that I started a blog!

Her uncle is in a convalescent home-a word she does not like to use and apparently isn’t used often in CA.  In her opinion CT is ten years behind CA in treating our elderly.  And since I somewhat recently moved my dad in (and out I guess you can say, he died a year ago) of a senior assisted living, which by the way, I thought was lovely) I was interested in what Julie had to say.  I’m pretty much always interested in what people have to say, IF they are open minded!  She felt the people in this convalescent home didn’t listen to their patients—literally.  Didn’t talk to them.  Treated them as if they are in a coma.  And to be fair, she thinks many of the patients these nurses (I don’t know if they are nurses, I just don’t know what to call them, attendants?) deal with are in a coma or are unresponsive patients.  All she knows is that her uncle does talk and is responsive.  Julie said in CA there are places where elderly patients can live, like a home where there are 6 patients to 2-3 attendants. And the patient’s kind of think it’s their own home!  How cool is that!  More personal care and in a nicer facility.

I also, for the first time, heard the word, Feldenkrais.  Please don’t ask me to pronounce it.

The Feldenkrais Method® is a powerful and revolutionary approach to improving your life that uses gentle, mindful movement to bring new awareness and possibility into every aspect of your life. Developed by Dr. Moshe Feldenkrais, the Feldenkrais Method has helped millions of people worldwide.

Julie thought this method would be great dealing with her uncle.  And she just assumed she would be able to find 30 specialists in CT just by googling.  I gather not the case.  Once again CA ahead of us in that respect.  Must be because they are three hours ahead of us.  If you multiply three hours by 365 days/year, you can see why they are so ahead of us in so many things.  wordpress That’s called Laura Logic–LL for short!  And it’s something you will see a lot of in the upcoming blogs.  You’ll have to keep up with me and my thinking!  You also may have to keep some Excedrin and a glass of water close by (or a glass of wine couldn’t hurt either) Or is CA three hours behind us?  OK, I’m getting a headache now.  I’m trying to visualize sunrises and sunsets going over the United States.

I just love the fact that there is                                                                                                          SO MUCH OUT THERE TO LEARN!wordpress

And I’m not saying learn in the “college” sense.  I’m saying learn from other people.  And all we have to do is “talk” to the them and “listen” to them.  And you know what? We just formed a RELATIONSHIP?wordpress.jpg

I’m not talking about a lasting relationship.  That Julie and I will be best friends.  Or that we’ll even ever see each other again.  That’s not the point.  The point is what I learned today!  And the feeling of friendship I got today!  And the feeling of friendship she got when she left me (I hope—unless of course she goes and tells her friends in CA, wait until you hear about the nut I met in CT!….but then again I’ll never know!)

Remember,

ITLBOK, really!

If you like my blogs, please Follow Me.  This means you will get sent my new blogs straight to your email instead of having to remember my site address or going onto Facebook.  Just click the floating “follow” button on the lower right side of the page.

Does the Universe Throw Bricks?

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Well, I’m starting my blog.

I guess you can call it a stream of consciousness…..but when the universe is telling you to do something, by golly, when the universe practically smacks you in the head to move on and do something with your life, I guess it’s time to listen.

This all happened within two weeks….My foot has started acting up, went to podiatrist and was told I have plantar fasciitis in both feet and heel spur in one foot.  Unfortunately I’m also a Fitness instructor -so that doesn’t help.  So, I went down to two classes a week–not much at all.  Do I think it’s time to look for another profession?  NOPE.   Am I listening to universe yet?  NOPE!  Brick hasn’t quite reached my head yet.  wordpress

At this time I’m listening to Tao of Pooh on Audible.  Which basically says go with the flow…which way the wind takes you…you get my point.  Please don’t message me and tell me I have the point of Taoism totally wrong, this is the point I got out of it.  Not that I’m listening to the point, mind you.  I’m just in the car going la la la la la   My life is so sad….Pity Party me  (and yes I know logically my life is VERY good, but still I’m very SAD.  Sadness doesn’t need logic.  I don’t need logic as you’ll get to know).

I’m also listening to Kevin Hart, I Can’t Make This Up:  Life Lessons. icantmakethisup2_1024x1024@2x He’s a comedian and it’s about his life.  A very funny book.  I totally recommend you listen to it vs reading it.  Kevin reading his own writing is wonderful.  And he ends most chapters with lessons he’s learned.  At chapter 57 or 58 (they’re short chapters, don’t freak out, it’s not War and Peace), he mentions something about when the Universe tells you it’s time to move on, maybe it’s time you should listen (I’m paraphrasing here, Kevin, don’t yell at me).

So what makes me stop and listen?  pain in feet?  Tao?  my friends?  none of this.  Kevin Hart!  Kevin Hart actually is the one that had me stop and look at my life!

Now my friend Bob also gave me an analogy of two trains.  One leaving from CA at 110 mph, the other leaving MA at 80 mph, when will they meet?  Just kidding.  Just seeing if you’re listening 🙂 It’s two trains going parallel directions and then travelling further and further apart.  But they are attached by a rubber band.  One train is what you’re doing in life now, the other is what you should be doing…or moving on.  As the trains go further and further apart, the rubber band is going to break or get very tense before the trains get close again. Meaning your life is going to get bad before you see it needs to change.

So he also encourages me to move on and find something new to do with my life.

What I need to explain is, I feel very very empty and alone.  Should I have mentioned that in the beginning?  You’ve probably been asking yourself, what is this woman’s problem?  And who cares?  My kids are gone-empty nest (well one’s a boomerang–but that’s another story), my husband works, my friends either work or have family of their own they are busy with.  I don’t need to work (yes, boohoo, I can hear you all saying)

Like I said earlier, I have NO reason to complain.  My kids are healthy, I’m healthy, my husband’s healthy, and I don’t have money problems.  But I’m very very lonely and bored.

OK–the only reason I told you that is because that is the REAL reason for this blog!

I love talking to people!  All people.  I love learning little things about people.  And I love sharing my funny adventures.  People wonder how or why funny things always happen to me.  But truthfully, I think funny things happen to everyone. It’s just in the way you look at it AND if you’re open to it!

And how’s this for another Universe has its hands in things (sorry Kevin you didn’t help with this one), I’m at Barnes in Noble-my favorite hang out with my group of friends, whom I met 4 years by butting into their conversation.  Now we’re great friends!!   My friends were discussing my life-yes, totally fascinating conversation (actually I’m sure they are so tired of my pity party they just wanted to shut me up and move onto a different topic, like politics, weather, or a new Ben & Jerry ice cream flavor–anything!)

A friend mentioned blogging.  That there are many people in my position and it would be fascinating (obviously I need to use my thesaurus). I have no problem talking to people, I love meeting new and different people, goodness knows I love talking about my experiences and l enjoy bringing joy into people’s lives……trill la la la (blue bird flying around my head).   A total stranger was on line (or in line depending where in the country you’re from) butted into our conversation (remember that’s how I became friends with this group, so I enjoy people like that) and totally agreed, I should blog!!  I’m like, excuse me?  Who are you? What? Where? Why?  She started blogging years ago.  She came over to our table and started talking to us, for like 15 minutes!  She loves blogging, it’s really easy.  Used the example of Julia and Julie.   We found out she grew up in the same home town from across the country as our friend Nora.  Again, talk about serendipitous.  I was getting so excited.

And let’s face it–NOW I have a REASON to tell my stories.  Before it was just for me.  But now it’s so I can use it in my BLOG!  All my espresso and tea drinks, do I get to “write it off” (hence Kramer reference-any Seinfeld folks out there?)  AND a real reason to talk to total strangers!

Come and follow me and life’s fascinating journeys (will someone buy me a theasaurus—yes, I have it on my computer, it’s just funnier this way!) to the grocery store (I actually took a survey in a restaurant on whether or not people say supermarket-like me-or grocery store. Yes, walked up to tables and booths asking them which word they use.  I was totally outnumbered.  Hence why I now say grocery store), book store, dog walking, PLUS traveling alone, with my husband and with friends.  Basically, trying to find life after 50 with not many skills besides talking to new people I meet. 😊   But these are the interesting tales I will weave and you can read.  IF you stay tuned.

Remember,

ITLBOK, really

If you like my blogs, please Follow Me.  This means you will get sent my new blogs straight to your email instead of having to remember my site address or going onto Facebook.  Just click the floating “follow” button on the lower right side of the page.